Making It Read online

  Shit, shit, shit. The line shuffled forward another few steps, marching him closer to a potential clusterfuck.

  The wind had picked up, and November was starting to make its presence felt. Devan pulled his hat down and wished he’d remembered to bring gloves with him. The line was long enough that he’d be frozen by the time he got inside. At least his mouth wasn’t hurting any longer from the root canal.

  A group of twentysomethings ahead of him all had posters rolled up. From the snippets of conversations he overheard, they were hoping to get some pictures with Eli.

  “Dude is a beast.”

  “I heard he’s gay.”

  “Really? That . . . Really?”

  “That’s what the boards say. He’s not, like, out or anything. Can you imagine the shit he’d take if everyone knew he was gay?”

  “No way. I don’t believe it.”

  “I don’t care who he fucks as long as I can Snapchat this shit.”

  Devan shoved his hands in his pockets a bit farther. Shit, maybe this really wasn’t a good idea. No matter how angry he’d been at Eli for leaving the way he had, the last thing he wanted was to do something to ruin his career. And if Stephan was to be believed, that was exactly what would happen if Devan got involved.

  Yeah, he should go home. Meg and Josh had taken Matthew again, and that wasn’t fair after they’d watched him on Monday. If Devan was smart, he would tell his lawyer that Eli was in town and they could get someone from the office to bring over the papers, and Devan wouldn’t have to come face-to-face with the man who’d broken his heart.

  The line shuffled forward again.

  Surprisingly, he wasn’t waiting long before he got close enough to the door that he could see inside. There were lots of people milling around, checking out the gym, trying on boxing gloves. Kids ran around the inside of the boxing ring, bouncing off the ropes and doing somersaults on the canvas. Seeing them playing made Devan’s heart ache. He hoped he’d be able to do everything to give Matthew the life he deserved. Being a single parent was harder than he’d ever anticipated, even with Meg’s help. It wasn’t the challenges of keeping everything organized, juggling Matthew’s needs with his work schedule, or the exhaustion at the end of the day. No, the thing he found the hardest was the never-ending litany of self-doubt that traipsed through his mind.

  Am I being strict enough? Should I read to him more? Do I give in to this temper tantrum? How can I afford for him to go to college? Will I be enough for him?

  Still, no matter how hard things could get, seeing Matthew’s beautiful brown eyes first thing in the morning, hearing his giggle when Devan tickled him, and the late-night cuddles made everything worth it. He had the child he’d always wanted, the career he loved, and his tiny apartment was homey enough. The one element that was missing was a partner to share his joys with.

  Devan moved forward again without really paying attention. It wasn’t until someone cleared their throat that he realized he was at the door. Hoping he wasn’t blushing, he looked over at the man standing at the door, wearing a Ringside Gym sweatshirt that was out of place on his frame. “Sorry. I was gawking.”

  “That’s fine.” He held out his hand. “Hi, I’m Nolan, the manager. Are you here for a tour of the gym, or are you in line to meet Eli?”

  Devan’s throat tightened. Nope, can’t do it. “I’m here for a tour.”

  That must have been the right thing to say, because Nolan brightened up. “Excellent. If you want to go in to the left, Zack will be taking a group around in about ten minutes.”

  Before Devan’s brain registered what Nolan had said, he was escorted inside, and the next person behind him moved up.

  Zack had to be Zack Anderson, Eli’s friend. God, he hadn’t seen him since a month after Eli had left. He’d been curious but respectful about the breakup, and hadn’t pushed Devan for too many answers. No wonder Eli had come back to town; if there was one person that he was eternally loyal to, it was Zack.

  This was undoubtedly enemy territory.

  There were about ten people hovering around the ring, while the line to get Eli’s autograph wrapped around the right side of the gym. He must be sitting at a table, because Devan caught a glimpse of his bald head through the crowd of waiting people. Okay, he could stand here for a minute, then duck out before either Zack or Eli knew he was here. Then he’d go home, thank Meg for babysitting, and have a beer. Maybe watch the Murdoch Mysteries episode he’d recorded the other night.

  “Devan?”

  He spun around, and his gaze locked onto the tall and still very intimidating form of Zack. Shit, shit, shit. “Um, hi.”

  Zack looked over Devan’s shoulder toward the line, before indicating the opposite direction. “Why don’t you come with me and we can talk?”

  Devan could have run, but there was something different in Zack’s voice, something he’d never heard before. Like an obedient child, he trailed along behind him, thankful that they weren’t moving anywhere close to where Eli was sitting.

  When they stepped into a small hall that held public washrooms, Devan sighed. “Look, I’m not here to cause any trouble.”

  Zack crossed his arms. “I never said you were. But I am wondering why after three years you’re showing up again.”

  “Why I’m . . . Yeah, I guess you’d take his side in this.” Devan reached into his coat and pulled out the envelope. “I’m here because he never signed the divorce papers. I haven’t seen him since he walked out on me the night of . . . that night. He left me and yet never officially ended the relationship. I’ve been stuck in limbo for three years. It needs to stop.”

  Zack’s arms slipped to his sides. “I can’t believe he did that.”

  “Well, I have the unsigned documents here to prove it. Since he’s in town, I figured this was my chance to get this thing over and done with once and for all. I don’t want to cause a scene, but he’s ignored all of my emails and letters, and every time I called, his manager wouldn’t let me talk to him. I honestly wouldn’t have come here if I’d had any other option.”

  Zack reached out and squeezed Devan’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. Max and I talked a lot about what had happened between the two of you. Neither of us really understood why he left. He never spoke to either of us about it, and it wasn’t really any of my business. I didn’t want to bother you.”

  His throat tightened. “That makes three of us. He never gave me an explanation, not really.”

  “You two need to talk. I’ll pull him aside. I can take you to the office so you have some privacy, and you can get some resolution on this here and now.”

  Zack’s kindness caught him off guard. The tears that had merely threatened to appear moments ago welled up in his eyes. “Thanks.”

  “Hey, it’s the least I can do for you. You didn’t deserve to be treated like this. Come on.”

  Zack marched out to where Eli was surrounded by fans, leaned over, and whispered in his ear. Devan could tell the second Zack said his name. Eli’s wide-eyed gaze shot up and landed on him almost immediately.

  All the air left Devan’s lungs, and for a moment, he thought he would faint. How could he have forgotten about the intense way Eli could look at a person? The way the light would shine in his brown eyes. Eli got to his feet as a fan shook his hand.

  Shit, this was finally going to happen. He would once and for all be free to go about his life, without Eli’s specter hanging over him.

  He should probably go to the office that Zack had indicated. This was something private and didn’t need to be done in front of the crowd. But when Eli finally extricated himself from the people around him and made his way over, Devan couldn’t move.

  Eli stopped far enough away that anyone watching wouldn’t think they’d had any prior connection. “Dev? You’re here.”

  “I . . . Yes.” He swallowed hard. The envelope was growing damp in his hand. “How’s your mom?”

  “Still in the nursing home. She’s okay.” Eli’s gaze drifted
to the envelope. “Why? Are you okay? Is there something wrong?”

  “You know why.” It wasn’t because Devan was still in love with him. It had nothing to do with the heartache that had lessened but stubbornly refused to go away. “I’m not going to let you put me off any longer. I need you to sign the divorce papers.”

  Eli’s face contorted into a mask of confusion. “‘Any longer’? I haven’t . . . Divorce papers?”

  “Yes, divorce papers.” Anger ignited inside his chest. “Don’t look so shocked. I’ve been trying to get you to sign them for ages.”

  “I didn’t know.” The crowd behind them was growing restless—shouts, claps, and people calling out Eli’s name. “I can’t do this now.”

  “Yes, you can. It takes three fucking seconds to sign the papers. Look, I brought them. Here.”

  “There are too many people around.”

  “They’ll think you’re signing an autograph.”

  “Devan.” He closed his eyes and let out a breath. “Later. I’ll do this later, when we can sit and talk.”

  “It’s already been three years. How much more time do you need?” His rage threatened to bubble through his calm façade. “I can’t do this.” He shoved the envelope at Eli, only to watch it fall to the floor when he wouldn’t take it. “If you ever loved me, even a little, you’ll sign those. I have to go.”

  “Devan, wait—”

  He didn’t. Ignoring the multitude of curious onlookers, he raced for the exit.

  Nolan held the door open for him as he ran out. “Thanks for coming!”

  Devan barely noticed his surroundings as he strode home.

  Eli’s back and head ached after sitting in the folding chair for over an hour. The line of people looked to be finally thinning out, meaning he’d only have to do ten more minutes or so of this and he could leave.

  If he thought a match in the ring was hard, it had nothing on making sustained small talk with strangers when his heart wasn’t in it. As he took the last few pictures and signed the final poster, he couldn’t help but notice Zack hovering around the edges of the line, glaring at him. Eli had been on the receiving end of that look on more than a few occasions, and knew that Zack wasn’t about to let his talk with Devan go undiscussed. He couldn’t blame him.

  Devan had wanted a divorce, had apparently been trying to talk to him for three years, and Eli hadn’t known. How could he have been so stupid to think that Devan would be content to live in limbo, waiting for Eli to reach out to him? Of course he wouldn’t. Had their positions been reversed, Eli would have chased Devan down and demanded for things to be finalized.

  God, he’d been a fool, and Devan had paid the price.

  It had been a shock to the system to see Devan after all this time. He was still the same, his brown hair that crazy in-between length that gave it a slight wave. Eli had loved running his fingers through the strands, teasing and pulling the locks straight to watch them curl again. His hazel eyes full of emotion, a clear picture of exactly what Devan was feeling. It had been one of the most amazing things when they’d been together, to see the inner workings of the man who’d captured his heart.

  He’d been a complete asshole, and Devan hadn’t done a thing to deserve that treatment.

  When the last group left and Eli finally got to his feet to stretch, he caught Zack’s gaze. “What’s up your ass?”

  “My office.”

  Shit, he hadn’t been called into the office at Ringside since he was fifteen. He waved and nodded to a few guys in the ring as he passed by, but his attention was fixed on Zack. He knew when he was in for a fight, could see the change in Zack’s posture, the way he carried himself. Eli might not be able to take a shot right now, but that didn’t make him any less of a fighter.

  Eli kicked the door closed and stood there, arms crossed as Zack took up a similar posture opposite him. “What the fuck is the matter with you?”

  “You left this on the floor.” Zack picked up an envelope from the desk and held it out for him. “I can’t believe how much of an asshole you are.”

  “That’s none of your business.”

  “It damn well is when someone who I considered a good friend is acting like a stranger. I can’t believe you’ve been stringing him along for three years. Jesus, Eli.”

  “I . . .” There was no way he’d be able to say what was in his head without it coming out wrong. Eli leaned against the door, letting it hold his weight. “I didn’t know about the papers.”

  A muscle in Zack’s jaw jumped. “You didn’t know or you didn’t want to know? Not once in three years did you consider that your husband might want a divorce, a chance to start over after you walked away from him? That you owed it to him to give him closure?”

  “I didn’t . . .” He groaned and let his eyes close. “Stephan kept me so busy since I left Toronto, I simply rode that wave of ignorance.”

  It wasn’t until he saw Devan standing there, envelope in hand, that Eli had finally realized why his heart had been aching for months, why the loneliness licked at his soul at the oddest of times.

  He didn’t want his marriage to be over.

  “You have to take responsibility and open this.” Zack tossed it to the floor at Eli’s feet. “Or are you a coward?”

  Zack was right. There was no fixing what he’d done to Devan in the past; it didn’t matter that his self-indulgent ignorance had kept him emotionally safe for years. He needed to make this better now. He didn’t deserve a second chance, and Devan deserved to be free from him. Reaching down, he snatched the packet and pulled out the documents inside.

  Swallowing past the lump in his throat, he stared at Devan’s name centered at the top of the page. “How did he look to you?”

  “You saw him. Scared and tired and angry.” Zack sat down on the edge of his desk. “What the hell happened to the two of you?”

  That was apparently the question of the century. “It wasn’t working.”

  “Bullshit. Right up until a few months before you left Toronto, I’d never seen you happier. Neither had Max.”

  Eli shrugged. “I was. And then I wasn’t.”

  “Then you owe it to him to sign those papers so he can get on with his life. You can’t live your life away from here, doing God knows what, while Devan is trapped.”

  “I know.”

  “Then make this right. You came back to Toronto to help me, but the gym will be fine. Devan won’t be.”

  “Yeah. I know.” He’d done everything in his power to block the memory of the devastation on Devan’s face when they’d learned Meg lost the baby. Not that he hadn’t had more than a few nightmares over the years, all prominently featuring Devan. “Think he went home?”

  “I don’t think he was going out for a night on the town.”

  The throbbing of his head was no match for the guilt swirling inside him. “I’ll sign these and take them to his place.”

  Zack nodded. “Are you going to talk to him?”

  “No. But I want to put them in his hands, look him in the eyes.” Talking would only lead to heartache. Best to rip this particular bandage off and finally be done with it. “I’ll text you later.”

  “You better.”

  A quick check online told him that Devan was still in their old apartment. He couldn’t image why Devan would want to stay where they’d once lived together; Eli sure as hell wouldn’t. The drive through Toronto traffic gave him an uncomfortable amount of time to replay how this reunion could possibly go. None of the scenarios ended particularly well for him.

  As he turned onto the street he’d once known better than most, he was struck by waves of déjà vu. He and Devan walking half-drunk from the pub around the corner. Picking Devan up and throwing him over his shoulder so he wouldn’t have to walk through the snow on the walkway. Kissing Devan in the elevator on their way upstairs.

  By the time he pulled the car into a visitor’s parking spot, Eli didn’t think he could go in. More than a few of his opponents woul
d have laughed at the idea that Eli McGovern was scared of anything, let alone facing a man who was a fraction of his size. But what they didn’t know was how deadly Devan could be with a few perfectly chosen words. Not that Eli had ever been on the receiving end of Devan’s wit, but that didn’t mean he wanted to be.

  Come on, dude. You can take a punch and keep going.

  Grabbing the envelope and a pen, Eli got out of the car and went inside before he could talk himself out of this. Luck was on his side when he got to the security door. Someone hadn’t fully closed it, giving him access. It was better than having to buzz up.

  The building had never been fancy, but the walls were rougher than he remembered. There was a smell in the air that couldn’t be healthy. Why the hell was Devan still in this building? Surely, he could afford better?

  He stood in front of the door that led to the place he’d once called home. The apartment number was the same, though the door had been painted green at some point. Closing his eyes, he took a breath and knocked.

  From the other side of the door: “Just a second.”

  Eli should have stepped back, but he didn’t want to give Devan the chance to slam the door in his face. The rush of adrenaline he normally got before a match surged through him. He knocked again.

  “Coming.”

  Devan jerked the door open, his brown curly hair messy, his cheeks flushed and his hazel eyes sparkling as though he’d been laughing. Their eyes met, and Eli saw Devan’s shock as strong as his own.

  “You’re here.” Devan was clearly confused.

  But not as much as he was. Because in Devan’s arms was a small child who looked remarkably like Eli.

  Devan couldn’t breathe. Matthew was tugging at his earlobe and sucking his thumb. He’d been fussy since Devan got home. Teething most likely. He couldn’t be sure if Matthew was in pain again, or if he’d picked up on Devan’s shock and anger, but he began to cry.